I never leave home without my peace like I'm Mahatma.
- Pusha T, Clipse "Ace Trumpets"
When I returned to Chicago in 2024, I was feral. I needed a place I could be alone and deprogram from years of allowing other people's words to define how I viewed myself, and putting their wants and needs inappropriately above my own.
I'm two years into my current residency in Chicago and in the last year, Trump gifted me with DOGE, ensuring that I'd be cut because I was a Schedule A hire at the US National Archives, still probationary and thus the first on the list to be eliminated. Needless to say, I had a lot of year last year. That past few were a lot, too.
If you'd have told me a year ago that not only would I be this happy... but that it is possible for me to be this happy... I would not have been able to grasp it. One of the things I've learned from constant whirlwinds, I guess, is you can only hold onto so much as you jump. Learning how to let go is key to survival, and it's a lesson I've learned really well throughout my life, or at least I thought I did.
I'm two years post-divorce and in that I left behind leading the Narberth Fireworks. I was so hesitant to take that on, but it is truly the best thing I did with my sojourn in Philly. After the pandemic, I volunteered my time to lead a change management effort in the public sphere to ensure that this almost 80-years-running annual borough festival continued past the pandemic. I transitioned the leadership and organizing to an incredible group of volunteers from the longtime neighbors keeping it going beyond their physical ability to do so.
A year ago I didn't have the capacity to be able to grieve that part of letting go of my old life. I have that capacity now, because for the first time in I can't even count how many years... I'm where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and things are finally clicking.
If you've followed the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) you're likely aware of the importance of incursions, or the collision of different timelines into each other, and the random encounters with other realities is a major threat to the stability of either timeline involved. I'm learning that's what grief is like... it's a multiverse of all the potentials that never happened, all interconnected. The album I was going to make in 2024 with friends... the podcast I got approved to produce for the National Archives that never got to be... the friends from college I had to leave behind years ago, marriages ago, because I had to take a job in Chicago. I get hit with feelings unexpectedly, and they hit hard – the collision with the past into the present.
I have so. many. pasts. from moving every three years or so since forever.
My parents have been so supportive this last year, as have Logan and Norrin and their mom. A few friends local really stuck with me and made a point of hanging out on the regular. My pals at Indy Hall in Philly and my former team at Elsevier – we still Discord daily and that support has been so crucial.
I was very clever at ways to distract myself from dwelling on old stuff and to try and at least tread water comfortably as I waited for the WIOA process to work out and start barber school. I was so primed to start barber school. That was three months ago. When old friends rolled into town in November to see Tom Morello with me – friends I thought were lost to me irreparably, that lit a fire in me that, in combination with the focus and drive I was already putting into barber school... well it catalyzed a lot of growth and confidence in trusting and going easier on myself a bit more.
Last Thursday, I did a home-based styling for my friends, Jason and Kelli. I brought the züca cart upstairs after work, had Kelli shampoo and condition while I took care of Jason, then did a 45-degree cut and a blow out. We also enjoyed pizza. I felt good that the haircuts went to-plan.
Kelli was my first female client, and with so little experience, and I made every effort I could to research and network about the best approach to take. The winter has kept her inside and impacted how her hair was growing. I'm so glad the homework worked out because it felt really good when Kelli shared a picture with all her curls back and volume popping out to her frame her face... all to plan. It's one thing to watch videos and have someone reassure you this is how hair works, but that curly hair magically works like it does when you reduce weight... I know it's physics, but it's fun that when I left her hair last night it was like the prestige part of a magic trick that revealed after showering. I guess.
Anyway, I have really good friends. I have a really supportive family. I have the right people in my corner. Everyone's healthy. I love barbering, and I really love taking care of people, helping them achieve their thing. I'm pretty good at that, so I feel good about my chances as a barber. I'm living a pretty well-balanced life for someone who's in very serious career and life transitions. So much so that I have the space to grieve.
So I'm thankful to finally, after so many years, have a life that's stable enough to heal the old shit. Because, like I said earlier, you can only take so much with you when you jump. I really feel and believe this is going to be my year. Past shit has no place in the present good, so I welcome the feelings to come... because it's time to heal and move up and on. Survival kinda depends on wanting and making something better. We all need something better than what we've been given. It's up to all of us to try to make that happen.
Imma do my part. I'll help with yours too if you need me.
